On Wednesday, October 25, I woke up in the early morning hours to a nightmare. I will spare you all the details of that horrible night, mostly because I don’t want to relive it any more than I have to. But within a few hours of when the nightmare started, I found myself sitting in the cold, sterile emergency room staring in disbelief at the body of my lifeless husband. He was 36.
As I sit here and try to tell you about what has happened to me, to my family, I am still in a state of disbelief. I am numb and confused. I am heartbroken and sick. I am devastated. I am scared.
I am a widow. And my babies are now fatherless. How can this be?
My husband, Garry, was my best friend. He was the rock of this family. He was the fun parent, the one that the kids tackled the moment he got home in the evenings. He was patient and loving and thoughtful and kind. Oh, so kind. He was the kindest man I ever met. And he was the friendliest person on the planet; there was not a person that met him that didn’t instantly like him. In fact, there were over 300 people in the chapel at his memorial service, and dozens more in the overflow rooms of the building. People from around the world loved my husband because of what an amazing man he was.
Despite all of his wonderful qualities, he had a heart that was not working right. Despite his seeming good health and strong body, his heart was hiding a secret that no one would have ever known. Evidently, he had severe coronary artery disease and had suffered a heart attack previously that we didn’t know about. As the medical examiner told me the day after his death, it was just a matter of time.
Today is our 7 year anniversary. As heartbroken as I am, I can tell you with the greatest confidence that my husband loved me more than life itself. He said those very words to me just a few days before he passed. Today I am not able to celebrate with the man I wanted to grow old with, but I will celebrate our time together and our great love as best I can. There will be lots of tears, as there have been these past couple of weeks. But I can still feel his love for me and I know he’s not far.
I don’t know how I’m going to survive this. The grief and fear consumes me most days. Not only have I suddenly lost my best friend and love, but there is a very real possibility that I will lose the life we built together for our family. My husband was our family’s sole provider and now I have to figure out not only how to live this life without him, but also how to provide for myself and my children. The questions and fears and decisions that have to be made soon are overwhelming. But I am trying to face one day, one hour, one minute at a time right now. I don’t have it in me to do anything else.
I am sad and angry and scared but I am clinging to Jesus. Even though I don’t understand. Even though I would rather blame and hate Him. But He is my only hope for getting through this. Jesus, please be near. Please comfort me and my precious, devastated children. Hold us close, Lord, and walk with us through this. Lord, give me strength.
Oh Cheyenne – what beautiful pics of y’all! I’m praying for you and your babies. I know He’ll give you the strength you need to get through this. Sending you love and hugs.
I’m so sorry for the loss of your husband! Sending you thoughts and prayers at this difficult time…..
Cheyene, I read this blog for the very first time and am heartbroken at the pain you are experiencing. I cannot imagine all of the emotions you are going through. I do know that life is so unfair at times but Jesus is the only way to see us through. Please take care , I will be praying for you now that I have found you!
Cheyenne, I am incredibly sorry for your loss! This was beautiful and you have wonderful memories and pictures to cherish! ❤️
I can not even begin to imagine what you are going through. I am so sorry for your loss. My prayers are with you and your little ones.
I am so very sorry for your loss, Cheyenne—it’s truly unimaginable, and my heart breaks for you and your babies! Praying for you—that Jesus would comfort your hearts and that, somehow, through it all, His peace would fill your heart. <3
You are in my thoughts often Cheyenne. You will get through this, and your children will grow up knowing the how strong and resourceful their mother is xx
What a beautiful post. You are so right when you say that your husband was so likeable! We chatted almost an entire kid’s bday party and then after when he’d be at dance class waiting for A. I will ALWAYS think of him when listening to podcasts! 🙂 You two always seemed like such a great couple, even though I never honestly saw you together, really! I even made that comment to my husband…there’s this little girl in Evie’s dance class and her parents seem so cool…. Your love created two precious, amazing kids and a wonderful life. I’m so sorry he can’t physically wrap his arms around you, but I know that both he and God are near and will walk with you during this time. You’re on my mind always and I wish you strength and healing & the ability to be easy with yourself. ❤️
Cheyenne,
My heart breaks for you. I do not have any words! I just said a prayer for you and your family and know I will continue. Your husband sounded like an amazing man.
I am so incredibly sorry for what you are going through.
We don’t know each other. And will probably never meet this side of heaven. But my heart aches for you. My prayers continue. Keep your eyes on Jesus. Even when you don’t understand. Even when you don’t feel Him. I am sitting in the hospital right now with my mom who has stage IV colon cancer. We have prayed for healing. And frankly we see nothing. But, like you, we know He is our anchor. Praying for the Holy Spirit to surround you and your kids. You will survive this and God will be with you every moment. Lean on Him and let Him carry you. He never fails. Even when we don’t understand. Hugs to you. In His name.
Cheyenne, Aislin, and Hawkins, I’m so very sorry for your loss. My heart is breaking for all of you. We have prayed for you at Weekday and will continue to lift you up.
My gosh… there aren’t any words that can give you comfort… so my heart goes out to you and I will keep you and your family and your husband in my prayers tonight. I’m so sorry for your loss, I can’t even imagine the pain…
Heartbreaking! I’m so sorry for your loss. You were blessed to have such a wonderful man in your life.
I am so so sorry!
I am so sorry for this heartbreaking loss. You and your babies are in my prayers. I pray the Lord give you peace that surpasses all understanding and wraps His arms around you so you are constantly held in His grace and comfort.
I appreciate the honesty of this post. But I’m so sorry you have cause to write it. I can’t even imagine the depth of your loss.
This song was brought to my attention not long ago, and I hope it might be a blessing to you. https://www.facebook.com/andrewpetersonmusic/videos/10154525786256968/
Praying for you and those sweet little ones.
Thank you Rachel for sharing the link to Andrew Peterson’s song. It was beautiful and made even more so by his daughter’s lovely voice. Heather
I am so sorry for your loss, Cheyenne. I am literally tearing up and getting chills as I am reading your story. They are throwing a welcoming home party for him in Heaven. God is carrying you through all this. You will find your way. Hugs for you and your children.
Thirty six is too young. I am so sorry that you are going through this. You are in my thoughts every day. I know that probably doesn’t help much. I just wanted you to know that we all think of you and wish we could give you a hug. So here it is, a virtual hug. And sending lots of love <3
Sending prayers of hope and comfort to you and your children
My prayers are with you! I’m soo very sorry!
Cheyenne,
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. God has blessed you with Aislin and Hawkins and the three of you will get thru this together! Much love and many prayers ?
I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t imagine how you must feel. I will pray for you and your children in this very difficult time.
Cheyenne,
What a beautiful post and a great reflection of your wonderful hubby. I am so sorry for your loss and heartbreak. Thinking of you daily and praying He gives you strength.
❤
Hey girl! Someone sent me your link because our stories are so similar. My husband dropped dead because of an unknown heart thing at 30 when we had 3 under 3. My heart aches for you knowing the deep pain and hurt you are walking through. You are loved and being lifted up in prayer! Proud of you for pressing through even when it’s tough. Choosing hope is hard but it’s always worth it. Blessings to y’all!
I am so sorry for your loss. Keep writing and sharing your story. You can help others and youself too. Peace be with you.
I am so terribly sorry for your loss, Cheyenne. I will praying for you and your beautiful children. Thank you for sharing your heart with us…sending much love.
First, I am so sorry for your loss. Here is a link to a place that would allow you to fundraise for your sweet children and yourself. Many have been able to help themselves through the caring and kindness of strangers using this company. I wish you better days and another love. This happened to a family member and she did meet someone later and is happy again. https://www.youcaring.com/
Cheyenne – A similar thing happened to my mom. No warnings, except a bad bout of flu a few weeks prior. We now wonder if that was a heart attack. Probably the most heartbreaming, but also sweetest time in that season of new, raw loss was watching my father grieve my mother’s death. I was 21 at the time. Please know that we are all praying for and grieving with you, and that God also grieves for the loss of this great man.
He is strong when we are weak. We do not understand His ways for they are far beyond our own ability to comprehend, I pray that you will continue to rely on Him daily for all your needs. Cheyenne, I am so sorry for your loss and can not imagine the range of emotions you go thru on a daily basis. I praise God that you and your family know Jesus and that you will be together again one day for eternity.
Sweet mama! My heart is broken for you! I am weeping as I read your story. Praying for you and those babies! Trusting our Lord will hold you through this and surround you with comforters!
My condolences to you. You have such a beautiful family. I pray you remain strong and supported at this time. My prayers are with you and your beautiful children. This was a very moving post and brave to share your story although you are going through such a trying time .
May God bless you and your family and guide you through this heartbreaking time. May he show you the path to providing for your family and bring you peace and understanding. I can’t imagine the pain of your loss.
Cheyenne, these words are beautiful. You have been so heavy on my mind these last two weeks. I’m so glad you have your faith to help you navigate through all of this. I’m sending love and prayers your way. ???
Everything about this post was beautiful. I have faith that you will get through this tough time. I’ll be praying for you and your family. ❤️
I am so incredibly sorry for your loss. There are no words!
Cheyenne,
I am so sorry. This is more than anyone should have to bear. <3 Love to you and your family as your process and grieve Garry's passing.
Cheyenne, I am truly so deeply sorry for your loss. My father died unexpectedly of a heart attack when he was 38 and so I know of your pain. You and your sweet babes will be in my prayers today and always. May God bless and comfort you all at this saddest of times.
I can relate to almost every word written here.
The sadness and loneliness and shock are devastating.
I remember saying multiple times after my husband passed that I don’t know how to do life without him. I still feel like I don’t but it’s one day at a time and holding on to the hope of heaven where we’ll be together again soon.
Hugs. This I know hurts so much.