Oh, pregnancy. It’s great, ain’t it? It seems like all every woman ever talks about is how wonderful pregnancy is. And in the beginning, it’s not so bad. But now…well. Sometimes a girl’s just gotta vent. I’m 36 weeks today and I feel that I’ve earned the right to vent a bit. Fair warning: this is not a sunshine and roses post. It’s a bit vent-y. So to counteract said venty-ness (yes, I just made that word up), I’ve thrown in some pretty pictures for your viewing pleasure. You’re welcome.

I am very heavy with child. It looks like I swallowed a giant pumpkin. I. Am. Huge.

And yet, everyone I meet says, “Oh, you look so cute!” Cute? Not the word I would choose, but thanks!

My favorite comment is when a woman asks me, “Don’t you love being pregnant?”

Um…no. No, I do not love being pregnant. Does that make me a terrible person?

Of course, there are things about being pregnant that I have enjoyed. But, for the most part, pregnancy is not a condition I would consider a lovely experience. There are things that happen to your body that no one ever tells you about. I am convinced that no ones speaks of these things in order to keep the human population from dying out. It’s a huge conspiracy. Being the rebel that I am, though, I’m going to share the-things-that-shall-not-be-discussed about pregnancy. I may be arrested by the pro-preggo police, but I’m willing to take the chance. Here goes:

The Unpleasantness of Being Knocked Up

1. For a period of approximately 6 months, you can’t sleep on your back. For a back sleeper like me, that eliminates any chance of having a good night’s sleep. And it leads to…
2. Hip pain. OH MY GOD. I toss and turn all night and still can’t find a position to alleviate the hip pain. Oh, but that’s not all. Hip pain then leads to…
3. Groin pain! That’s right, folks, my groin feels like it’s going to explode ALL THE TIME. Good times.
4. Let’s not forget to discuss the bladder pain. Not only do I have to pee constantly (at least four times at night), but my daughter has decided that her favorite pastime is jumping on my bladder. So even when I don’t really have to pee, it feels like I have to pee. But the best part is when she pushes so hard on my bladder that I literally have to do a giant Kegel, cross my legs and hope to God that I didn’t just tinkle myself.
5. My boobs are huge. I’m sure that sounds fantastic to a lot of you, but trust me, it’s not. They are ridiculous and unseemly. For a small chested girl like me, who actually liked having small boobs, this is an issue. Of course, Lobster thinks they’re fantastic and wants to play with them. NO TOUCHING! Do not touch the giant, ungodly boobs! Poor Lobster.
6. Cankles.
7. None of my shoes fit. I wear slippers and flip flops. When it gets colder, I’ll probably just have to wrap my feet in blankets.
8. Bending over is out of the question. Even from a seated position. If I’m in the car and drop something (which happens a lot, by the way, because I’m ridiculously clumsy these days) I just sit and weep. It’s all I can do.
9. Shaving is also out of the question. I can’t see my bikini line, much less run a sharp razor over it without slicing and dicing my nether region. If I attempt to shave my legs I end up with patches of hair that I’ve missed. I am a hairy beast.
10. Evidently, I snore like a lumberjack. Never used to. Now it’s a regular occurrence. It’s so bad that I WOKE MYSELF UP several times the other night. Man, I’m sexy.

I’ll stop there. I could go on for pages, but then I’d be getting into stuff like gas and heartburn and other bodily functions that just shouldn’t be blogged about if it can be avoided.

So, yeah, needless to say, I’m feeling a bit miserable these days. I’m ready to have my body back. Sure, I’ll miss feeling the baby move inside me and watching her move her hand or foot across the expanse of my ginormous pumpkin-sized belly. But, frankly, I’d rather have my little squirm worm in my arms and be able to wear cute clothes and shoes and be able to shave my bikini line again.

Tell me, moms, am I the only one who feels this way during pregnancy? Please tell me I’m not alone!

(By the way, aren’t these photos great? My friend Cristina of Wisner Photo is amazing. She is one of my photography mentors.)

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